Friday, July 11, 2008

i pooped in my trash can...

so i went to see a gastro-intestinal doctor about my increasingly annoying stomach issues. he took some blood for some tests and also wanted me to give him a stool sample... i knew he was going to make that request, but i was still dreading it.

if you've never had the privilege of giving a stool sample you might wonder exactly how to go about it. for instance, do you just drop some logs in the toilet, then go at it with a knife and fork, or reach in with some gloves on?!? or maybe you just press the little cup against your butt and squeeze a little turd directly into it. it turns out that neither approach will suffice. the nuggets can't touch water, and they expressly state, "do not defecate directly into specimen cup".

this was my approach:
i made sure i was the only one home. i emptied my little waste basket that resides in my room and put in a new used plastic shopping bag. i took that and a t-shirt to the bathroom. i pulled my head through the neck of the shirt but stopped it right after my eyes popped out, leaving my nose & ears covered.i tucked the rest of the shirt into my regular shirt. i then removed all clothing below the waist. then i relieved my bladder into the toilet. then i squatted over my trusty trash can. then the magic happened. my t-shirt barricade on my face worked like a charm, i barely smelled a thing. the next part is where it gets gross...

after said log/s are laying there naked and exposed i was instructed to use the little spoon under the lid of the cup to scoop some poop inside and mix it with the liquid already present. after scooping enough to fill the cup to a preset level i was told to tighten the lid and shake the contents violently, ensuring proper mixing of the poo and the (apparently poisonous) liquid. on the side of the cup where you're supposed to write your name and other important facts, there's a little check box where you indicate the consistency of your "stool". i think the choices were: solid, soft, loose, runny.i have to do this two more times...

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